First and foremost, I hope everybody is hanging in there during this global pandemic. I’m sure that I’m not alone when I say, this has probably been one of the most gut wrenching experiences in my lifetime. The anticipation for the future is gruesome.
That being said, for me and many of those who are close to me seem to agree, the coronavirus pandemic has opened the door to self reflection. What better time than now to start a conversation?
I was recently inspired by an old friend that decided to reach out to me
She told me that her journey now is to find a new balance in her life. Sort of reinventing herself in a way, and honestly, what better time than now?
I have to say, fear is a bitch. Sometimes I wish we weren’t hard wired for it. But like yin yang, you can’t have the positive without the negative. And fear is the very motivating factor that can make us better or worse people. Fear can inspire love or hate, and it’s not something to be ignored. Fear means making choices for yourself.
Fear and I have a long history together.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t want to really get into the details, but I was a child raised by fear, and I didn’t realize until adulthood that some of my regular thoughts and actions that I believed made me who I am, were actually symptoms all along.
What a hard pill to swallow
My therapist and I were also working on a possible diagnosis for bipolar disorder to make things even more complicated *eye roll*. To most people this is a shock, but many close friends aren’t surprised at all and expected it. The best advice I received was get good sleep, express myself through creativity, and find a role model.
*Some common symptoms of PTSD:
- Intrusive memories
- Avoidance
- Negative thoughts about people and the world around you
- Hopelessness about the future
- Memory problems
- Feeling detached and difficulty maintaining close relationships
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Irritability
- Trouble concentrating
- Overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame
- Trouble sleeping
- Easily startled or frightened
- Always being on guard for danger
- Self destructive behavior
- Suicidal thoughts
PTSD can be triggered by experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. *taken from webmd.com
The definition of Abuse: “to use (something) to bad effect, or bad purpose. To misuse.” *from Oxford Languages.
Power, family, friendships, pets, food, drugs and sex can all be abused or misused. All the good things in life.
Let’s remember life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Everybody’s definition of good and bad can differ, which gives you the ultimate power to seek out those who share similar values. Abuse may or may not have conscious intentions behind it. Some mistakes can be forgiven, with patience. Others not, and sometimes leaving is the answer. The most important thing is to put yourself first, and explore intentionality within yourself and others.
Some of my life experiences were a formula for low self-esteem and self motivation.
I have been confronted with this time and time again. My childhood reflected Seattle weather, mostly rainy, consistently unpredictable, kind of “bipolar.” Stuck in a room while it’s dark and gray at noon, wondering if the sun will come out again soon. I was about 8 years old when I had my first suicidal thoughts. The Seattle freeze must’ve been pretty bad that year. I just knew the next time I saw the sun, I wouldn’t waste a moment of it.
Of course looking back now, I don’t ever see how I possibly couldn’t have loved myself. I mean I am a beautiful, intelligent and talented blasian artist who can drive stick shift, with a 2nd degree black belt and a nice body 🤷🏻♀️(straightforward but what can I say? I’m a Leo.)
Needless to say, I was young. Hell, I’m still young. I wasn’t aware of my value yet.
I didn’t believe I had a gift worth sharing.
Just being bi-racial created a lot of conflict within myself as well. Being raised by two different cultures, sometimes contradicting one another, made it challenging to really create an identity for myself. My parents decided not to raise my brother and I with very much religious or spiritual influence for this very reason. The cultures are just, different you know? My only real religion was Zelda.
It can be hard to keep peace with such differences.
But even though I felt displaced, like I wasn’t capable of belonging anywhere, I learned to see the beauty in differences. Some differences in my eyes, are no better or worse than the other. Just different, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
My small petite figure and random bursts of energy always made me perceive myself as a child to the outside world. But the patience and wisdom I carried on the inside would say otherwise. It made me feel like a foreigner to my own body. Through this, I had to learn to see the beauty of my own innocence, which is a double edged sword in my opinion.
I was an empty person with an open heart. So I decided to fill myself with some personality.
By the time I became a teenager I moved away from the town where I grew up and I was ready to re-invent myself. I was scared, but It was my opportunity to start fresh and leave behind the things I didn’t want to carry with me any longer. I added optimism to my personality.
Of course the first thing everyone does when they want to reinvent themselves is change their hair, right? Trust me I would know, I’m a hairdresser. I have a pretty big forehead, my face shape is considered “oblong” or rectangular ( I blame it on the brains, it’s a blessing and a curse lol), so I decided to ask my hairstylist for some side-swept bangs.
I was obviously feeling cute but this haircut wasn’t the cure, It was a defining moment in Naomi’s timeline. It was just the first step I took to make me feel new. It was the day I decided to add attitude to my personality. I had to not only learn to express my feelings, but how to feel in general.
Before that haircut, I was just a Morty.
Totally uncertain. I handed my power over to somebody else, out of fear that I was too dumb and wasn’t capable of knowing any better. For once, I did something for me.
And just like so many other people, I had to get through my teenage growing pains. Thanks to budding self awareness, I now craved to be like and be liked, by everyone (especially boys), faced everlasting exhaustion from a growing mind and body, and was hungry for independence from my parents. I was afraid of adulthood, and at best I was an amateur with prioritization. I was very rarely inspired to do much of anything. All I knew was I wanted to find a suitable version of “normal” for myself. Some ground. Some stability. I added determination to my personality.
This is when beauty started to really help me evolve, from the outside in. I was afraid to be unaccepted for my true self. I didn’t and still don’t really know my true self.
I’d been suffering with eczema my entire life, and at this point in time, my skin condition was hitting it’s all time high. I was constantly in pain, bleeding, flaking, I couldn’t stretch my skin and it spread from my arms and legs to my stomach and breasts, armpits, hands and wrists, neck, face and scalp. It lasted for years. As a result I started to really dabble with makeup and skincare. I had too much fear to let people see me like this. I felt ashamed. People do call the skin your second brain, you know?
Luckily for me, YouTube was just starting to become popular at this time. I discovered the amazing and talented YouTuber and celebrity makeup artist, Kandee Johnson. She became my very first role model in the beauty industry. I related to her bubbly, genuine, loving personality, and experiences of hardship. Her never give up attitude was exactly what I wanted, and needed to adopt. And because of her, I learned how beauty can instantly gratify self confidence and femininity.
Beauty gave me a self care routine to practice everyday (self care is something I overlook so often.) And like my dad would put it, “makeup is like war paint.” When I put it on, it was getting me ready to face my fears. It is transformative. I added resilience to my personality.
For years after, my relationship with the beauty and fashion industry became more intimate. “Everyone is going to college after high school, except me.” I was afraid of being left behind and the future was so uncertain. I was experiencing real FOMO, and I started to hurt people around me.
My interest for makeup artistry was developing, but I was afraid to try and fail.
To relieve my numbness, I tried to look for an answer. I decided to spend my free time learning, about anything and everything. My artistry began to advance, and people would ask for my advice. For once, I felt like I had something of value to offer, my knowledge, and I would share it with anybody that’d allow me. I started to feel the numbness go away. My passion grew and I slowly added selflessness to my personality.
I became the go to girl for my close friends and family, and I started to uncover my purpose. I enjoyed feeling needed, and learning from and teaching others. I added gratitude to my personality.
I was always an artist at heart, but no matter the medium, I lacked the inspiration to create
It was challenging to find the drive. A constant writer’s block. For me, the passion had to burn to motivate at all. Makeup was the one medium I truly connected to. And the chance to help people while searching for beauty wherever I could find it, in an ugly world was my ultimate inspiration. My next venture was to figure out what beauty truly meant to me, why life is so seemingly ugly, and why it matters so much to humanity at large through all of history. I added curiosity to my personality.
A personal self inflicted traumatic event happened. Curiosity killed the cat and I experienced loss. I added responsibility to my personality.
When I worked as a salesperson at Nordstrom in 2014, I went on my 2nd beauty related business trip. I learned how to serve. I learned how to use my new personality to build real relationships with people. I learned to see the beauty in language. (I finally see why so many PTSD survivors are amazing rappers)
The glamour excited me. I created LaughLoveBeauty. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted it to become, I just knew I wanted it to be a constant reminder to myself about my priorities and values in life, to keep me on track. Another face of beauty to show the world. I wanted it to be a true and consistent representation of my identity. I slowly added reliability to my personality.
I made the decision to take a break from beauty to test the person I was becoming.
I took on a merchandising leadership position at Forever 21. It was one of the best and worst decisions I’ve made in my life so far. It was a safe place for me to make mistakes and grow. I learned how to come back to reality when I feel triggered. I learned how to maintain organization. I learned how to thrive and push forward through chaos. I learned to see the beauty in chaos.
No matter how fucked up shit got, this was my family and I had a role in keeping it together. I added decisiveness and tolerance to my personality.
I ended up having another self inflicted traumatic personal experience, I hit my rock bottom, and got help. I added self control to my personality.
When the stress of my job became too unbearable, I finally made a commitment to serving my community through beauty. My passion for other people was too strong to ignore, but my sensitivity to triggers made me deny that I truly enjoyed connecting with others. I feared vulnerability.
The decision to go to beauty school was one of the biggest fears I had to overcome.
After my past experience working with beauty professionals at a local beauty supply, I had to wonder, do I really have the personality to become a hairdresser? Can somebody as detached as I am really make a good servant? My only answer, I’ll never know if I don’t try. And that’s when I added true strength and bravery to my personality. I learned to see the beauty in people. Good thing too, because beauty school was chaotic 👀
I married my best friend and added acceptance to my personality. I learned to see the beauty in unconditional love.
I got to live out my Kandee Johnson dreams.
I started to work on collaborative photoshoots, and fashion shows for charity. My contribution was able to help battered women and children in the area find the help they need to get out of their situations, and others who suffer from the many pains of life, all while actually having some fun. This was enough for me to let go of the feeling that I might not be good enough to do this. I got to show the world what I’m made of. Working alongside so many self motivated people inspired me. Adding cooperation and confidence to my personality.
After graduating school, I got my dream job at Obadiah Salon.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong somewhere. For the first time, I have a constant, a normal. I feel like I’m worth it, and I am finally starting to feel restored. Everyday that I am able to do what I love, I slowly heal. Being surrounded by people and role models who share the same goals as I do, offer their utmost support and brilliant mentorship have been a blessing.
It would be a lie if I said I have overcome my PTSD, it is very much still a part of my life, physically and emotionally. I’m not sure if it will ever go away, but being surrounded by amazing people everyday and unfolding my purpose keeps me motivated to fight.
Going to work every day has opened my eyes to the fact that my story is just one of billions
I used to think my early wisdom of the world had cursed me. I saw myself as a victim to my own experience. Thanks to the clients I get to spend everyday with, I learned to see the beauty in wisdom, and I get to add insight to my personality everyday.
Beauty is forgiving, valuable, surprisingly mathematical, and incorporates everything from chemistry to ultimate love. The perception of beauty is ever changing and cyclical all at once. Beauty is entangled with perplexity. It is born without intention and seemingly purposeless, and in a busy and bustling world easily forgotten. Beauty is only visible by the mind’s eye, and provides the ultimate self care.
Fear can bring incredible change. Painful situations can build character. And along with life and beauty, personality and perspective is temporary and will change. Trauma can happen at any point in time. I hope when the time comes to start a family, or when I develop wrinkles on my face, I’ll be ready to reinvent myself again and again, the way we do with our self care routines.
I hope I can commit to falling in love with life everyday, especially as we live through times of uncertainty.
Beauty isn’t always seen with the eyes, but I think it’s worth recognizing in all shapes and forms. Just because I was raised by fear, doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of being adopted by faith. I hope to have the opportunity to see the beauty after bruises.
If you’re struggling with PTSD, make sure to get help when you need it. Find a support system or join a community. Even if isolation is what naturally feels safest, taking action despite the fear can make the numbness and hopelessness weaken.
Listen to the album “Persona” by Mello Music Group.
Or just listen to the song “The Run” from this album. Music has been the most relaxing way for me to soothe my emotional flashbacks. It’s the best way I’ve found to put words to my emotions, and bring sanity to my thoughts and feelings. It gives me a way to reprogram my beliefs. I think art is an important self care tool for this reason. Don’t forget not to misuse music, keep it lighthearted, especially if certain music tends to trigger you in an uncontrollable way. I tend to stay away from music that involves self destruction and violence, I’m just not quite ready for it yet.
Rest In Peace to those lost in fear
We will survive through our trauma together. We are mental warriors and we’ll keep fighting our personal battle in honor of those we love so dearly, who are wounded or left behind. Those whose souls decided to vacate the premise, we can invite to come back home. All to enjoy the ultimate gift of life we received, and come closer to ending the culture of generational trauma. The real pandemic.
My therapist told me I had a lack of understanding for my emotions. She handed me a vocabulary list to start learning and help me connect the dots. I don’t know, I think today I really showed progress in my journey.
The eczema is almost non-existent, I have a healthier eating habit, better sleep, and overall I feel more wholesome.
My new struggle, balancing the fear I have of fucking up with the peace I have from finally living a life of choices I made.
When the world is open for business again, I think I’ll change up my hair. I’m ready to feel brand new.
How has fear changed your life? How do you push through the hard times? Leave a comment.
